Questioning the Questions

Working the Reference Desk at the Appleton Public Library means answering many of the same questions each day (“Where’s the bathroom?” “Do you have tax forms?” “How late are you open?” “Do you have tax forms?” Where’s the Internet?” “Do you have tax forms?”). Sometimes, though, even simple questions can be stated in a way that requires some thought. One evening a woman called the Reference Desk and asked, “How long are your hours?” My first inclination was to say, “Sixty minutes. How long are yours?” but I fought the temptation and told her what I thought she wanted, when the library would close.

Many questions are much more difficult than that, of course. We’re asked for old stock quotes, weather records, detailed medical descriptions, state and federal court cases, car repair instructions, criminal background checks, addresses, phone numbers, recipes, calorie counts, and the prices of everything from farm tractors to fine art. We also answer the phone for City Hall, handling questions about parking signs, old refrigerators, and neighbors who won’t cut their grass. We’re asked to notarize documents, register voters, find lost relatives, and provide driving instructions to UFO landing sites.

And then there are the strange ones. Below are just a few actual requests that the Reference Desk has received over the years, along with replies we wish we could have given.

“I need an audiocassette of real dinosaur sounds.”
Certainly, sir. Just let me get out the Way-Back machine…

“I need the name of a British woman who liked pepperoni. I was her in a previous life.”
Listen here, Shirley MacLaine, you’ve got to stop calling!

“I need a recipe from a cookbook. You know, the blue one.”
Let’s see, the library owns approximately 7,000 cookbooks. Would that be the robin’s egg blue or periwinkle?

“Will you do my taxes for me?
Will you sign over your refund to me?

“I want to know the location and fire power of all land-based missiles in the U. S.”
I’ll get that for you right away, Mr. Bin Laden.

“Who’s the smartest person in Wisconsin?”
Well, I hate to be immodest but…

“I need to look at all the newspapers published in New York state in the 1870s.”
Sure. They’re on the shelf right next to all the phone books ever published in Texas.

“I have a painting with a duck on it. Can you tell me the value?”
That’s worth 5.3 million dollars, and thanks for calling “Antiques Roadshow.”

“I need a photograph of Jesus.”
And I need a new job. Something tells me we’re both going to be disappointed.

“What’s the name of the person who invented the wheel?”
Gee, I wish we knew that. I’ll bet he’s got a tape of some great dinosaur sounds.

“I have a job interview today. Will you tie my tie for me?”
Well of course, but tucking in your shirt will cost extra!

“How many rivets are on a 747 jet?”
Hang on a minute. We have a 747 in the basement. I’ll go count.

Actually, we found the answer to that last one. According to the Boeing aircraft company, a 747 jet has about three million fasteners, of which half are rivets. Clearly, you never know what you might learn working the Reference Desk. Now if you’ll excuse me, someone wants to know if we have tax forms…