Library “Humor” : Library Q and A
It’s time once more for Mr. APL Answer Man to answer all your questions about the operations of the Appleton Public Library. As ever, all inquiries are absolutely 100% guaranteed to be in the form of a question.
Q: How many books does the Appleton Public Library have?
A: The library owns about a half million items, including books, CDs, DVDs, cassettes, and CD-ROMs. And approximately 12 gazillion tax forms.
Q: What’s the library’s busiest day?
A: Traditionally, the busiest day at the library is the first day of the summer reading programs. A close second is Staff Wet T-Shirt Day.
Q: Which library event draws the most people?
A: Children’s entertainer Tom Pease brought in a big crowd last year, but that was nothing compared to library director Terry Dawson’s slide show of his trip to Melville Dewey’s birthplace. And when Terry played “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” using only his forehead and a pair of spoons, well, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.
Q: How many people work at the library?
A: About half.
Q: What happens if you can’t pay your library fines?
A: The library is always willing to work out a payment plan for fines. Just last week, in lieu of cash, we accepted a wheelbarrow of rutabagas, three canned hams, and a live goat.
Q: What’s the largest fine that can be accessed?
A: We will never take more than the replacement cost of the item or your adjusted annual gross income. Whichever is greater.
Q: What’s done with the money collected in fines?
A: The money is used for vital and extensive training sessions to ensure that the staff is equipped to deal with our society’s ever-changing technology. The last such session was held in Las Vegas. At the MGM Grand. Third slot machine from the left.
Q: Really?
A: No, no! Just joking, ha, ha, ha. Every cent of the fine money actually goes toward the purchase of Purina Goat Chow.
Q: Why was the lighting at the library recently changed?
A: We’re going for that foggy-night-in-London look. Do you like it?
Q: How much are librarians paid?
A: That is a deeply offensive question. No librarian would ever dream of sullying this noble profession by accepting filthy lucre. We work for the love of knowledge, the desire to serve, the indescribable joy of pointing out the location of the tax forms--and all the goat cheese we can eat.
Q: How is the library director chosen?
A: Most people assume that the director is selected by the Library Board, but that is incorrect. In truth, the director is chosen by Sorting Hat. Our last three directors came from the House of Slytherin. Can you tell?
Q: Does the library get Japanese Manga books?
A: We own many. We don’t get any.
Q: Who takes care of the library atrium?
A: Elves. The come in dark of night to water the plants, prune trees, and pull weeds. Then little fairies with gossamer wings fly in to pollinate the flowers. It’s just magical.
Q: Is it true the atrium has a man-eating plant?
A: Of course not! But then, has anyone seen the goat lately?
